To My Darling

Oh, but I love him, my darlings.

His love is like a breath of warm in the cold and crisp midnight air.

His love tastes like wild honey bought from the petals straight to the mouth.

He loves me just as much as the moon loves the sun. And my heart beats like a thousand thundering horses when I see him, just as the first time.

His laugh is contagious, he makes the world laugh along to his wonder and beauty.

Oh, and my darlings, his love is wild. Wild as the ocean and its churning waves. Wild as the hurricanes we outlast.

And oh, his soul…I am in love with his soul. For his fire burns me deep within, and I shiver every time I imagine the touch of his being against mine.

We are a kaleidoscope of burning colors, waiting to merge together to create a cosmic wonder. Together, we are wild and beautiful. And oh, my darlings, I am forever grateful that he is mine. I cherish him with all of my heart, mind, and soul.

I have loved you since twenty-six, fifteen and I will love you until the stars fade out from the night sky.

I promise.

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Social Anxiety

What is social anxiety?

Some people think that having social anxiety makes you a weird or creepy person. Others think social anxiety is a contagious disease that should only be ridiculed and laughed at.

But let me tell you, that social anxiety is not a fear of people or conversations or friendships or relationships as many people think. Social anxiety is the fear of speaking out and being made fun of, or judged, or embarrassed, at least for me it is.

See, it’s not a matter of being afraid to speak publicly, in fact, I love to speak to people, talk about the thoughts in my head, what I think and what I feel, my opinions, my passions, my ideals. But what I do not love is the monstrosity that sometimes comes out of people around us.

Having social anxiety stops me from talking out loud. It tells me to not take too much space with my body, so people do not notice me. It tells me to walk with my head down, because everyone looks at the heads held high. It tells me to keep my thoughts to myself, because I am protected if no one hears me. Social anxiety has made me who I am today, a person that doesn’t talk out loud because she’s too scared of what people can do to her if she does.

People don’t understand that this isn’t by choice, that I am the way I am out of self-preservation, basic human survival, the pain of embarrassment is not an easy pain to survive, forget and move on. Each slash is felt deeply, leaving a mark of self-hatred in its wake. So I have learned to not talk too much, because no one will want to talk to a quiet girl sitting in the back. And it has worked for me, I am content with the way I am.

There is no cure for social anxiety, it is what it is. Because even if the turtle comes out of its shell, it can always retreat back if it feels threatened at any moment.

However, sometimes I am at odds with myself. By nature, I am a very social person, but what life has made me endure has created a shell, protection against the mean things people can do. And so there is a constant war inside of me, the person that wants to come out, show the world who she really is, and the little girl waiting to go back home to the safety of her room and comforting surroundings where she is protected from the outside world.

So every time I hide behind my wall, just be patient, because you should never abuse the tortured.

Jealousy

Jealousy is an ugly thing. It starts as a shadow of a thought, growing bigger by the second, forming into an endless abyss of self-hatred, fear, and misery. It never stops. It never silences. It can only drown you in it’s infinite darkness.

You see, she hadn’t been the first in someone else’s life before. But he came along and chose her above all. She finally belonged to someone that made her happy, a feeling she only recently got accustomed to. He made her feel like she matters, at least to him.

But he doesn’t know how it breaks her heart every time she feels his attention float to another girl. A girl he might like. A girl he might love. Because there are many that are better than her, she knows this. And she fears she isn’t enough for him sometimes. That he needs more.

And so her heart breaks, when he looks at another girl twice. It’s a horrible feeling when he sweet talks a passerby. She can’t help but notice the way his eyes follow the pretty ones. And she feels sadness beyond imagination, when his mind is impressed by a smart one. And she hopes she’ll never have to witness when his soul is inspired by another, because that…that would break her.

She wishes she was trusting. Not of him, but of life. But life has showed her that it can turn people’s hearts dark. Even the ones closest to her. He loves her, she knows he does, but so have others whom have betrayed her. So she prays that she can be enough for him, even when he thinks about others. And she prays with her tortured mind and heavy soul, he continues to choose her even when he meets better.

She … Him

She needs him like a man needs air, endlessly and constantly.

She cares for him as a mother cares for her children, unconditionally and infinite.

She yearns for him as a parched man yearns for water, tortured and wanting.

She misses him as two lovers miss each other across distances, passionately and brokenly.

She loves him the way love is undefined, beautiful and true.

The Myriad Colors of Humanity 

We live in a world fabricated with colors. Each string of color represents the fundamentals of life. 

We have the white. The innocence we are born with that grows old and yellow as the days pass. We all maintain a certain degree of purity until we learn how to manipulate the world. 

Blue is the calm. The calm we feel at the end of a long day, before we enter the realm of sleep. Or the calm we feel laying in the arms of our lovers. The calm before the storm, when we finally accept that we can’t stop the unstoppable. The calm in the absolute certainty that the sun will come up tomorrow and it’ll be the start of yet another day. 

Nature is the green on the spectrum. We maintain it, love it, and yet we destroy it everyday because we love ourselves more. The naturists exist, and the minimalists, and the vegans, and so on. But this world is built on the price of nature, and we never lose sleep over it. 

Violet. A strong color. To represent our passions. Things we feel strongly about. The addiction to adventure that some of us strive of off. The satisfaction we get from aspiring after what we like: Art, books, music, the things we find beauty in. Some of us have passions that are extraordinary, studying astrology because some are fascinated by the unknown. Becoming successful billionaires because some have great minds. This all stems from passion. Those people, I call violet. 

Yellow for the bright. The shining among us, the ones that are easy to be loved. The uncomplicated, the naive, the ones that turn a blind eye to the universe’s deep, dark corners. The ones that live ignorant are the ones in bliss. 

Gray is for the lost. Who can’t find their purpose and stay wanderers. They never settle, are never satisfied, always restless. Happiness comes to them in fleeting moments that they turn away from. They choose to find themselves in the wrongs, then later ask for forgiveness. They live in the gray shades of the world, never white and innocent, not always black and guilty. 

Black is for the tortured. They do wrong by the world because the world did wrong by them. We enjoy them because it’s easy for us to blame others for our faults. But every black soul is born white. 

Red. Red. Red is intensity. The intensity we feel when we fall down and hurt ourselves. Red is for pain. Red is for madness. Red is for sadness. Red is for happiness. Red is for love. The most basic human emotion. Our secret desires and dark fantasies, red. A heartbreak. A new love. A mother and her daughter. Family. True friendship. Red. 

We would like to believe that people can be categorized into one color. It would be easier. Simple. But we are the greatest beings on Earth because we are a wide spectrum of colors. In fact, each one of us is a beautiful, unique combination of shades of the colors. Remember that. 

I Love You is Never Enough

Sometimes words fail me. They fail me when I want to describe how much I love him, the mundane ‘I love you’ never enough. Sometimes I want to tell him that he is the only person in the world that I can talk to, the only person I want to talk to, because no one understands me like he does. And I want to tell him that I live for his good morning and goodnight kisses, they begin and end my day. I want to tell him that I have never had a home until I laid in his arms one night. Now he is my home. I want to tell him that I want his happiness more than I want my own; and when he’s sad, my soul rips apart in despair. I want to tell him that he is the most beautiful soul I have ever seen. And I want to tell him that even though we don’t see eye to eye at times, honey, you are my dream come to life. My love for you would engulf a thousand oceans and still survive. Darling, I love you more than I can ever describe, so just take me into your arms tonight. 

Rebel Queen

She had red lips and a sharp wit like all fantasies. Her eyes were deep with a faraway dream of a wild life with no demands. She only had two cents and a cause to her name. She’d stop for the night, in an unnamed town with similar faces as the ones she’s seen all her life. She hustled the mighty with a smile on her face. Her mind was her secret weapon and she had allies in scattered places. She was a rebel with a cause. 

The women hated her for the confidence she oozed, what kind of girl doesn’t have a care in the world? And the men, they chased her just for a taste, but they never had a chance at all. But she’ll come to you in the night, begging you with whispers to take the weight for awhile. And in the morning, she’ll disappear, a rebel chasing down a dream. 

She never bothered to create ties, because the distance will rip into them one at a time. She was never one for small talk, either, easily bored from the mundane life. And she stops on the side of the road, just to feel the sunshine on her skin. She was giddy with freedom. The rebel with the world as her adventure.